Cake vs WohWoff
by CatzRuleMe
Summary: Genderbent version of Jake vs Me-Mow. No flames, please.


As the Blueberry Prince finished cooking the last of his meat pies, he set them out on the table to share with Fionna and Cake. He noticed that a small chunk was missing in one of the pies, but he thought nothing of it and served his guests.

"Ooh, that smells good, Blueberry Prince!" Cake exclaimed as she laid eyes on the pancakes.

"Yeah, thanks for cooking for us," Fionna said.

"You're welcome," he said. "And thank you, milady, for answering my urgent call."

"Sure thing," Fionna replied. "How may we aid thee?"

"Oh, nothing much," the prince answered. "Someone's trying to kill me."

Fionna and Cake both choked on their meat pies.

"It's no big deal," Blueberry Prince assured. "Finish your pie."

"It _is_ a big deal!" Fionna argued. "I need more information."

"Okay," the prince sighed.

"I'm listening, but I'm gonna keep eating," Cake said with her mouth full of food.

"I suspect that I've been targeted by the Guild of Killers," the prince explained. He wandered over to a nearby table and picked up a crumpled piece of paper that lay across it. "I found this note stabbed to my door."

He showed the note to Fionna and Cake, which read: _Prince_ _Blueberry, we're going to kill you. –G.O.K_

"Prince Blueberry, we vow to protect you full-time," Fionna promised. "Right, Cake?"

Cake was too busy eating to answer. She devoured her pie sloppily, which prompted a feeling of disgust for Fionna.

"Prince Blueberry, let's continue this conversation outside," Fionna suggested. "I can't look at her when she's like this."

As the duo disappeared from view, Cake finished her pie. But she had room for one more, and a sly smile stretched across her face as she reached for the prince's pie and pulled it closer to her. "He won't be missing this," she convinced herself as she began eating.

As Cake grabbed her first few bites of the prince's pie, she discovered a small creature hiding inside. It looked like a tiny white dog, curled inside the pie and lying perfectly still.

Cake giggled. "Well, would you look at that; a tiny dog!"

The dog growled a deep, terrifying growl, which caused Cake's tail to go frizzy. The dog leapt up and grabbed her mouth, yelling: "Quiet, or I'll kill you!" He withdrew a needle filled with a mysterious green liquid.

"You're the killer!" Cake realized.

"Woh-Woff!" the dog declared, climbing onto Cake's nose. "Second-class killer. But once I take down a prince, I graduate to full membership!"

"Well I'm no prince, you little pipsqueak!" Cake hissed.

"Yes, I know," Woh-Woff growled. "But since you've blown my cover, _you_ shall slay Blueberry Prince!"

"Uh-UH! No way!" Cake refused. "I'd rather be injected with poison.

Woh-Woff paused, then shrugged. "Okay." He held up his needle full of poison.

Cake's fur stood up on end, and she quickly grew intimidated. "Oh…um…I mean, I will kill Blueberry Prince!"

"Good," Woh-Woff agreed. "But if you try to trick me, I'll poison you!" And with that, he crawled into Cake's nose and settled into her nasal cavity, awaiting his revenge. A shiver ran through Cake as Woh-Woff yelled: "Yuck! It smells like rotting catnip in here!"

Fionna and the Blueberry Prince returned inside and the prince called: "Are you done in there, Cake?"

"Oh, uh…yeah," Cake stuttered. "So…um, Blueberry Prince, maybe it wouldn't be so bad…to die..."

"Wha-What!" the prince stammered, shocked by what he heard.

Fionna became irritated and approached Cake. "What's the deal, Cake? Are you trying to freak him out?"

"I don't know," Cake mumbled. "Just…thinking out loud here."

"Are you trying to freak _me_ out?" Fionna asked, her suspicion rising.

Cake felt horrible for what she was saying and tried to confront the prince. "I'm sorry, Blueberry Prince…" She suddenly caught sight of a large selection of meat behind her, and a plan slowly formed in her mind. She took the tiny crown off of his head and took it over toward the meat, saying: "You should let me…do…something…it will be good…" She placed the crown on top of a huge pile of meat as Fionna and the prince stood confused.

"What's going on out there?" Woh-Woff demanded. He gazed out of Cake's nose to notice Cake beating up on what he thought was the prince.

"Take this!" Cake yelled as she punched the meat. "And that! How do you like this? Don't make me go mountain lion on your behind!"

"Umm…" the prince had no idea how to react to what he was seeing.

"I'm gonna pick you up now…and carry you…to the window!" Cake scooped the heavy meat into her arms and lugged it to the nearby window.

"Cake, what's gotten into you!" Fionna demanded.

"No, stop!" the prince pleaded.

Woh-Woff liked what he was hearing. Cake dropped the meat out of the window, which landed with a horrific splat. She turned back to her friends and declared: "Blueberry Prince is dead!" She raised a finger to her lips and prompted the others to be quiet.

"Yes," Woh-Woff hissed maniacally. "Well done, cat. I shall be on my way now…"

Suddenly, a pair of guards burst through the door and blurted out: "Blueberry Prince! Thank goodness you're alive! We saw your crown next to a pile of meat and we thought you were gone, but you're okay!"

"Lair!" Woh-Woff roared, jamming the needle into Cake and injecting the poison into her body. She fell to the ground with a mixture of extreme pain and sickness, moaning on the floor as Fionna and the prince were still oblivious to what was happening. "I've injected you with half the poison. You will be dead in thirty minutes unless you kill the princess for real, and then I will give you the antidote."

Cake felt heavy with helplessness and panic. She grabbed weakly onto Fionna's skirt, whispering: "Fionna…help me…"

"What's wrong?" Fionna asked, suddenly worried.

"If you say anything, I'll stab you in the brain," Woh-Woff threatened.

Cake felt like she was at a loss. How was she supposed to tell Fionna what was going on? After awhile, she formed an idea. "Um…Fi, sing Daddy's lullaby. I'm so tired, girl. Please, lull me to sleep…"

"Uh…" Fionna blushed.

"I know you carry Daddy's music box around with you," Cake continued.

"Dude, I'm not gonna sing Dad's lullaby in public," Fionna said.

"Please," Cake begged, her voice weak and desperate.

Fionna sighed. "Alright. Only for as long as the prince is distracted." She pulled a music box out of her backpack and began playing it, singing the song their father used to sing.

_Don't be weepy sleepy kitties_

_Slippers slippers and your mitties_

_In the morning you'll get goodies_

_Kitty hats and kitty hoodies_

_No stripes or polka dots_

_Heather-grey and feather-soft_

_Baby pick a baby pillow_

_All the catnip you can chew_

Cake had her ears plugged the entire time, shielding herself from the power of the lullaby. But she heard Woh-Woff's gruff snoring and knew that she was safe…for now.

"Fionna!" she whispered urgently. "There's a killer in me and he poisoned me and is forcing me to kill Blueberry Prince!"

"Cake stop playing games!" Fionna demanded. "This is serious stuff!"

Cake heard Woh-Woff start to stir and thrust her hand over Fionna's mouth, then tried to silently inform her friend of what was happening. She grabbed a handful of leftover pie and smeared it on the table, creating a message that read: _Dog-Noise_

"Dog…noise?" Fionna read aloud. "Oh, dogs bark." She proceeded to bark loudly, attempting to imitate a dog.

"Shh!" Cake ordered. This prompted Fionna to bark louder, and for Cake to become more panicked. She stretched out her arms and coiled them around Fionna, binding her mouth shut and carrying her to the window. She whispered an apology to Fionna and dropped her, then she landed in the pile of meat from earlier. She whispered: "Woh-Woff, still asleep?"

She heard the killer mumble something about double-crossing her and leaving her to die, but it sounded like he was still asleep. She shrunk her arm down and reached inside her nostril, trying to grab the antidote. Just as she was about to grab it, Fionna came bursting through the door.

"What the FUDGE, Cake!" she screamed.

Woh-Woff awoke immediately and realized what Cake was doing. He quickly grabbed the rest of his poison and injected some of it violently into Cake's hand, yelling: "You treacherous feline!"

Cake moaned loudly and returned to the ground, turning a dark shade of green. She felt nearly on the brink of death.

"Your time is almost up," Woh-Woff said. "Do you want the antidote, or not?"

"What's _wrong_ with you?" Fionna asked, this time more with worry than rage.

"Oh, I'm fine, girl!" Cake replied, trying to remain nonchalant despite the pain. "Everything's okay."

"No, everything's not okay!" Fionna argued. "The prince is still in danger!"

"Right," Cake mumbled weakly. "We should take her somewhere safer."

"Don't make me give you the rest," Woh-Woff warned.

"I know where to take the prince," Cake declared. "Follow me."

Cake's direction took the trio to the top of a sheer cliff. As Fionna and the price gazed over it, Cake said: "Fi, you stay here with your back to the cliff. I'll stay here with the prince…to do what must be done."

Blueberry stood there, his stance unsteady. One measly push would send him toppling to his death. Sweat drenched Cake's fur. As much as she didn't want to do this, she felt helpless now. She was surviving at the hands of a killer, and she had no other choice.

"Do it!" the killer ordered. "Do it now!"

"I…" Tears welled in Cake's eyes. "I…can't…"

In the blink of an eye, a bird hit Cake square in the head, launching Woh-Woff out of her nose. Fionna saw the killer and gasped. She whirled around and screamed: "Cake!"

Cake flopped to the ground, weakening more and more by the second. "I'm…full of…poison…"

"The killer!" Fionna realized.

"The name's Woh-Woff," he explained, threateningly.

Fionna was enraged, and practically growled as she spoke. "If you let Cake die…so help me I'll kill you too!"

"Is that a challenge?" Woh-Woff tried.

"GIVE ME THE ANTIDOTE!" Fionna ordered. She pulled out her trusty sword. "FACE ME, COWARD!"

Woh-Woff lunged at her with his own weapon, a dagger. Fionna swung hard and fast, but the tiny dog was too evasive. She hurled her sword at the killer, but only managed in getting it stuck in a tree.

"Give it up, Woh-Woff!" Fionna ordered.

"Not on your life!" Woh-Woff said. He lunged at Fionna again, aiming for her forehead, but Fionna blew on him and sent him hurtling backward into the tree. She tried to squash him with her hand, but he stabbed her in the hand and made her yelp. Jake and the prince watched helplessly as the battle raged.

"It's over!" Fionna shouted. "Give me the antidote!"

"Never!" Woh-Woff barked. He grabbed the antidote and smashed it against the tree. The vial broke and the antidote trickled down the tree.

"NO!" Fionna holwed. She swatted the killer away and turned to Cake. "Cake, come lick the tree bark!"

Cake slowly crawled closer, but her body was too weak to make it over. Fionna rushed over to Cake, tears gathering in her eyes. "Cake…no…"

"Forget it!" Woh-Woff snapped. "I gave your cat enough poison to kill a cat fifty times her size."

"No..." Fionna repeated, her tears falling over Cake's nearly lifeless body. But suddenly, she and Cake simultaneously came to a realization, and Cake grew to gargantuan size. "Cake times fifty-one!"

Woh-Woff was shocked by what he saw. "A magic cat? NOOOO!"

Cake felt her liver tackle the poison and the life in her returned. She shrunk down to normal size with all of her energy back.

"You've ruined me!" Woh-Woff screamed. I have to wait a whole year to retake the killer's test!"

"Why don't you come back to my castle?" the prince suggested. "I shall make you my royal pet."

Woh-Woff lunged for the prince, but he ducked out of the way just in time, and the killer was sent hurtling over the edge of the cliff.

"Well, looks like you're safe," Fionna told the prince. "And you too, Cake," she added with a hint of relief."

"Now, who wants pie?" the Blueberry price asked.

The trio walked away laughing, unaware that Woh-Woff watched them from the back of a flying bird, vowing vengeance.


End file.
